Hey beautifuls!
Before I say anymore, I just want to repost what I commented on my own video that I had posted 4 days ago here:
"I just want to say thank you all so much, I seriously didn't know or understand how many people love and support me here on youtube, instagram, etc. I love you all truly from the bottom of my heart and I could not thank each and every single one of you enough for all the sweet and kind words and thoughts. It has inspired me to work on myself for a little while and as I said so many times I know I'm annoying...ahahha! I will be back! I am also on LINE (it's an app in the App Store! User:: omgitssammx3 💋) if anyone wishes to get ahold of me not just on instagram or twitter!
I love you all my beautiful subscribers! ❤️❤️❤️"
With that being said, I think I'm going to start doing weekly updates for y'all on how my life has been going and how I've been improving or stepping back. (We don't want that so we're not gunna do that!) :P
Basically I'm feeling a lot better than I was before. That Tuesday that I uploaded the video was actually my mom's birthday so I felt sort of bad for uploading it and for being in the funk I was on her birthday...but it's not the end of the world and I'm happy she understands what I'm going through because we're both going through the same things. That night someone known in my life as I said in the video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ-cPGz5ogc
Tried to get in contact with me once again. Now I think I will fully explain in another video when I come back how this person has been adding to my conscience with anxiety and depression. But basically when this person talks to me I get the worst feeling of a panic attack, the worst. I shiver and shake literally with fear and it's a really scary thing. Especially shivers like I'm cold. THAT BAD of a panic attack. I've been talking with this person for a couple years now and in the long haul I figured that we'd be able to get along and be friends. To be honest I thought there could be more than that when David and I had split up for a few weeks last year.. HOWEVER I've come to terms with the fact that this person has been and always will be toxic to me and my life. It's taken my mom, and my friends to really set me straight on that. That this person doesn't need to be in my life, does not benefit me in any way, and doesn't make me happy like they did when they were in my life previously. Most of y'all know that I'm stubborn and I like to see the good in people. I don't like to just give up on someone. This person had changed from who I knew them as into who they had become. I wanted them to see how awesome they used to be and life doesn't have to be horrible. But over time I grew to understand that this person wasn't going to change and didn't really care if I was in their life or not.
So on Tuesday, after a long talk with one of my friends, Christina...at 1:30am....I blocked them. COMPLETELY. After that I felt some immediate relief but I also felt sadness, the sadness that I would miss them and wish to speak with them again, the sadness of knowing this person was gone permanently from my life and that there was no turning back. But at the same time, I've felt free. Free from all the bullshit and stress wondering when they were going to talk to me again and how much of an anxiety attack I'll be getting from that..among other things. Just free. For the first time in 2 years, I've been able to breathe a sigh of relief that I haven't been able to completely do for that long of time. But now I'm faced with a new anxiety...will they still try to get a hold of me somehow? Will they try to drive to my house and ring my doorbell? Will they try all these things to get back in touch with me? I've been wondering and pondering that thought for a few days now...but at the end of it I think...WHO CARES? WHO FUCKING CARES. That's right, who cares? I don't anymore. I'm free from this person and I couldn't be happier. Of course it's going to take time to completely heal but I'm looking forward to it every step of the way!
AMONG OTHER THINGS, I've been okay. I've realized slowly but surely I shouldn't be isolating myself from my friends and family because of my anxiety. I shouldn't be relying on material things to make me happy over experiences and hanging out with my friends and family. So that's what I've come to realizations to.
Also that life isn't something that's constantly planned. It's a journey you create as time goes on. You can't say I'll do all this at a certain age because you don't know what's going to happen at that age. I've struggled with that for years. Other people live their lives the way they live them...that doesn't mean yours has to be the same. We all have a journey, we all just need to live it. Take the good with the bad and everything will be okay. <3
Until Next Week!
I love you!
xo,
Sam<3
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